I’m Tired of the Self Righteous Relationship Advice

Love is a feeling as much as it is a choice — and other myth busters

Photo by Gabby Orcutt on Unsplash

Let me tell you a phrase that I really dislike — “love is a choice.”

I can’t tell you how annoying that type of cheesy line is. As if love is a verb like any other: run, jump, eat, love, etc. The problem is it’s much more than that and saying it’s just a choice, reducing it only to a verb, is a destruction of its definition and cultural significance. It’s also so generic and inapplicable to real life, it’s basically a way to virtue signal to others how great you are at being objective with the most complex and wonderful emotion humanity has ever experienced. If you need an example of why this phrase is entirely confusing — this piece should confirm it.

Of course, saying love is a choice isn’t necessarily relationship advice. But it is just another writers attempt to redefine a word like love into a new definition, one that no one else uses. Love can be a choice. It can also be an emotion. It can describe passion for interests or people. It is also a verb and a noun. Ex: I love you / Love is all you need. See — it’s both, and a whole lot more. That’s probably why countless songs have been written about it. They aren’t singing about the great, logical choices they made when choosing a partner of emotional stability with a high ROI for their love efforts. They are singing about the incredible emotions and feelings that we all call love.

Sure love is a verb, such as “I love you”. And yes, people choose their partners, but let me tell you something; when I met the girl who I ended up dating for four years, I had no doubt that we had what some people call chemistry. We met at a transfer connections event at our university. After the event, a friend told me her phone was dying and so my future girlfriend gave me her number in case our group got separated (there was a lot of people around). After only speaking to her a few times, I was drawn to her like a magnet. You might be thinking it’s because of lust or physical attraction. Trust me, I know what that feels like too. This was not that. I was drawn to her energy. I was drawn to who she was. It was the closest to “love at first sight” that I’ve ever experienced. If love was simply just a choice — then a new word would need to be invented for what I experienced.

And then it grew into something even deeper. I went to her brother’s wedding. We moved in. We bought furniture together. It was still love, but just a more fulfilling and intense version of it. It made other past relationships of mine feel like a joke and that this is what life is all about. That said — we eventually broke up. And that’s a whole other story that I plan to write. But even after our break up, I still had love for her. I chose to end our relationship in a sense, out of love as well. We reached a point where neither one of us were satisfied anymore and our emotional well being was taking a hit. Love is not all you need to make a successful relationship. But the point is — I know love is more than a choice. When I felt it, I felt as though I almost lost power over my choices. I had a new, passionate desire to get to know her as a person and I did NOT calculate nor care what my return on investment would be. I could tell she was someone I wanted in my life.

So I think we covered why love is more than just a choice, and why it is also an emotion. The most important emotion in human history. Being emotionally stable is not a pre-requisite for “real love”. It helps make a relationship last, but that is not what love is. A relationship with love can come to an end, and it doesn’t necessarily mean love died or never existed. Now, let me briefly touch on a couple more cliches that bother me.

Myth 2 — “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself”.

I bet the first person to say this felt really good about themself as they made another person feel like total shit. So to be clear — no one with depression or self-doubt has ever been loved? Well, that’s clearly false. And secondly, it’s downright insulting. The idea that we all have to be entirely in love with ourselves before we can love someone else sounds dangerously close to narcissistic. In fact, if you love yourself too much, you might find it hard to love someone else. Call it trendy, but ego death is more important to finding love than loving yourself is. If you can’t get over how great you are, I would assume finding a suitable mate would become even harder. You may say well loving yourself doesn’t mean being conceited. I understand, but it’s also not necessary to finding love with someone else.

Myth 3 — “If you wait long enough you’ll find your soulmate”.

After I just ripped on love is a choice right — haha. But for real, if there was one soul mate for each person on earth, that would be a nightmare. 7 billion plus people to sort through would not be possible. Luckily, that isn’t the case. You can be proactive in finding someone who you end up loving. That love can be deep and fulfilling and it will feel just like that person is your soul mate. The chemistry (literal chemicals in your brain that make you feel good) may come right away, or later as you get to know them and appreciate them. It doesn’t really matter. But waiting is a bad strategy. I’m not saying go choose someone on the street and decide to love them, but put some effort into your appearance (everyone wants to be physically attracted to their partner), lower your standards, try some online dating, and that will be more effective than waiting.

Myth 4— “If you haven’t found someone, you must have problems”.

Absolutely not. I know countless stories of people in my personal life who I shall not name, who believed this and found out they were dead wrong when they met the right person. Like a puzzle piece, some people will naturally fit better with people than others. But don’t expect any of them to fit perfectly because we aren't puzzle pieces haha. Ultimately, finding someone does not say anything about you necessarily, other than you haven’t met someone yet. Enjoy life in the meantime, be proactive, and remember, we live in a time period and society that shames the single person. There is nothing wrong with you.